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WHAT IF?  ARE YOU READY?

Hard of hearing?	Church-goers	Steep price reduction	Only 2% DNA separates us...
Spring is here and midrifs are bared (thanks to Shelby Rainey '93)		Beauty fades, but implants last forever	Men's Room (somewhere in Scandanavia)
New Polish Aircraft	Tattoo

Carole PAVLIK Kalebich:

Observations on 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an  *!#.. , make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

AS WE AGE, OUR PRIORITIES CHANGE..........

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
 
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
   
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
   
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts"

ATTORNEY'S ADVICE -- NO CHARGE  [Basically good advice]

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1.   The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your  checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your  initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2.  Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED".

3  When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on  the "For" line.  Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access  to it.

4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a P.O. Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a P.O. Box, use your work address. Never have your SS#  printed on your checks.(DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

5.  Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. Carry a photocopy of  your passport when traveling either here or abroad. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.

Here's some  critical  information to limit the damage in case your ID is stolen:

1. We have been told we should cancel  our credit cards  immediately. But the key is having the toll free  numbers and your card  numbers handy so you know whom to call.   Keep those where you can find them.

2. File a police  report immediately in the jurisdiction where  your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if  there ever  is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important

3.  Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. The alert  means any company that checks your credit knows your information was  stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

Here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., has been stolen:
1.) Equifax:  1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans  Union: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. But if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.

THE  ITALIAN  MOTHER
      
A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
      
Reluctantly, his mother agrees. So the next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, introduces them, and then settles them on the couch, after which they all chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

Without hesitation, she replies, "The one on the right."
      
"That's amazing, Ma!!  You're right!!!!  How could you possibly know?"
      
The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

2029 HEADLINES

Brenda WHITE Ianniello - Before You Go
 
October 22, 2005
 
The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood.
 
Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach , Fla., eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.
 
He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak. "I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.
 
At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you."
 
Then the old soldier began to cry.
 
"That really got to me," Bierstock says.
 
Cut to today.
 
Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot. The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.
 
"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "Every ethnic minority would be dead. And the soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them."
 
The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web (www.beforeyougo.us), the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.
 
"It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss "the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio, Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach. "I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."
 
Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington. Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.
 
Turn up your volume and please visit Before You Go by Dr. Sam & The Frivolous Action Blues Ban
 
or copy and paste:
 
http://www.managedmusic.com/beforeyougo.html

---

This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida.

He was a widower and she was a widow.They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.  The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.  The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?

 He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall.  He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.  He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.  First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.  Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.  As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her,  " When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?

"Why,you silly man, I said 'Yes.  Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted.

He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me."

Jack COLLINS:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had  covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years,  whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
 
They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh sh!! !"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

John Cashman ('68)

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are 2005's winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Nick MAASS

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told  the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The  jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $2,000 ring and showed it  to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his  special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only  $15,000," the
jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take  it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,  "By check and I know you need to make sure that my check is good, so I'll  write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll  pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off  jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know."  said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

---

This is the difference between men and women...

Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

---

TO BE 6 AGAIN
   
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
   
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything here was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
   
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
   
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
   
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??
   
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
   
I meant my Dress Size, you jerk !!
   
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

45 YEAR MARRIAGE 

A husband and wife go to a counselor  after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had  in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her  passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.  

The counselor turns to the husband and  says, "That is what your wife needs at least  three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and  replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and  Wednesday; but on weekends, I hunt."

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."



Carol Mier - Famous Quotes

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the en! d of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills ! than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself!" --Mark Twain

From the Web:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord, 
I pray for  Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to  forgive him;
And Patience  for his moods.
Because, Lord,  if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him  to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

RULES FOR 2006
 
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthead. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a HUGE butthead.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."